What's your game?

A few months ago in working with a client on the edge of giving up her consultancy, she said to me, "But I don't see you making a million dollars. How do I know I'll be successful?"

I laughed - she thought my game was "make a million dollars" because that's what all the marketing books and "How to's" assume: that you're in it solely or mostly for the money.

My game is "Spend time with my son." As a result, my work is structured so that I can often work at home, work remotely, work part-time and be flexible while still making enough money to sustain us. My son is my priority - he is what I value. So I work to make sure I can be with him as often as possible.

Once she really got that, her attitude changed - she actually went into a bit of shock. She had been assuming that "success" meant huge sums of cash. In that moment she realized that she could define her success conditions any way that suited her. Within 2 weeks her income doubled and her hours going way down and she decided to take a two week vacation to see her family - which is what she values.

Exercise:
How do you define success?
What assumptions are you making that no longer suit you?
If you knew you could not fail, how would you define success?

Receiving: Completing a Sacred Circuit

Recently I was reading Wayne Dyer's "The Power of Intention." He talks about how when we are kind we get a shot of seratonin. But not just the giver of kindness, the receiver and anyone watching gets a shot too.

Interesting. So giving changes our brain chemistry. I took that and filed it away. Then I had this experience.

I went to a great workshop given by the people at Human Awareness Institute. They do workshops about love, intimacy and sexuality; their mission is very much in alignment with mine:

"The Human Awareness Institute (HAI) empowers individuals to be potent, loving, contributing human beings. HAI promotes personal growth and social evolution by replacing ignorance and fear with awareness and love.

"HAI aims to create a world where people live together in dignity, respect, understanding, trust, kindness, compassion, honesty and love. The Human Awareness Institute is committed to creating a world where everyone wins."

The title of the workshop was "Community." The real theme of this workshop in my opinion, was about giving and receiving.

Their workshops in general are about how we can take really great care of ourselves. I always feel good leaving any of their workshops or events because there's a lot there about kindness, being really amazing to each other and non-sexual touch (and who can't use more touch!).

This time, after being loved up, we were really encouraged to communicate and give each other feedback about how we show up in community. I got really positive feedback about how I show up which was exciting because I want people to like me. After taking it in I realized that this was more about how I can show up when I'm full of love - when I've received all that I need. That getting what I need makes me really available to give.

Being full of love and positively reinforced inspired happiness - to show up more, be more playful, supportive, loving, and appreciative. That, in turn meant that I had a greater capacity and could receive more which meant that people wanted to give me more - hugs, cuddles, conversation, attention. More people wanted to be with me and that was more positive reinforcement, which made me happier and that lead to more positive feedback and more availability and more receiving so on. A big happy circle of love. Yay!

It made it clear that when I'm full and happy that I am a gift to my community, I am available, loving and helpful (not a surprise, right?).

So receiving makes me feel good and that makes me available and that makes others feel good and want to do nice things for me and each other. Receiving well made me available for giving.

That is not the message that we usually get about receiving. The message we usually get looks more like "don't be greedy" or "you should be contributing" or "don't be selfish." We are discouraged from receiving because it might make us look selfish or dependent. And in America one of the worst things in the world is dependency.

That, my friends, is a trap. We need each other.

I can hear you saying "I'm independent! I don't need anyone!" Do you... make all your own food? All your own clothes? Fix your own car? Built your own house? Built that cell phone you use to call your clients on? No. We need each other even in the most basic ways. Pretending we don't is another lie Americans tell themselves in order to sleep at night.

Take a moment - yes right now - to get present to all the people who give to you. You might even pay them, but it's others labor, genius, ingenuity and skills that make our lives go. Who makes your life go?

Receiving is a quality that is critical to completing the circuit of giving, but not something widely expressed, explained, or even acknowledged. I've heard about it and even talked about it and experienced it before, but getting it in my body again and watching others in response to me had me get something more that I hadn't gotten before.

Receiving is necessary for giving. Receiving is necessary for the giver to feel understood and appreciated.

Think about it this way, if you went to a birthday party and spent time choosing a present and the birthday girl was not interested in it and ignored you, how would you feel?

Yo'd probably have a range of emotions: not seen, not understood, taken for granted, sad, frustrated maybe angry. Are you likely to give them something in the future? Probably not.

Why? (And this is the question that we don't ask.)

Because you were not received.

If on the other hand, that same birthday girl is thrilled to receive your gift and goes around showing people at the party and puts the present in a place of honor and gives you a big hug, how does that feel? Are you likely to give to her again? Yes!

When you're seeking a business transaction, what are you really looking for?

To give and receive. Some one to give to you - to give you money. In fact these transactions are the full circuit. You want them to receive the gifts you give and you want to receive the money they have to give.

Well if you want someone to give to you, you have to be available to receive them. Some of that is logistical: the thing/service has to be ready, well-formed and available. But the other piece is emotional: you have to be prepared to receive their contribution - their money, time, energy, excitement for whatever they have to give.

You have to be available on both sides of the coin: available to give and to receive.

We're often available (or pretend we're available) to give. We know our service or our gift and we're prepared to give it. But what happens when they give to you? Do you receive it?

Money can be spent anywhere. Even necessities like grocery stores are so abundant that one need never shop at any grocery store you don't love. There is a lot of choice. So choosing a practitioner, service provider or product vendor is a huge gift.

Stop for a moment and take that in. The money that your client or boss or friend, partner, parents are giving you, for whatever reason, is a gift. It's a sacred trust. My clients give me money to help them transform their relationship with resources.

In order to do that, I really need to get them and understand what money means to them, ,to take time and open to who they really are. For me it's a sacred trust that someone is willing to open up enough to share a piece of their soul with me.

It is a gift to be given that level of trust by our clients for products or services. Gift. The definition of a gift is something given voluntarily and a special ability or capacity. In giving your gift, you're giving a gift.

I wonder what would happen if you decided that you were a gift - that you could give what you wanted as you felt really good about it. What happens when you receive your client's money with joy and openness? What happens when you give to your clients joyfully and with a generous spirit? If you turned every act of work into an act of kindness, how would the chemistry in your brain be?

Taking Care of Business, Taking Care of You

Money work is about two things: taking care of yourself and information. Most of my posts are about the information side. This post is about some ways that you can take great care of yourself and increase your ability to bring in business at the same time.

In my experience, I handle money best when I'm feeling at my best. When I'm feeling down or haven't been taking good care that's when I'm the most likely to make less than stellar decisions - to spend money badly, dip into savings when I wasn't planning on it, over commit myself, or take too much time off.

So here's a reminder of some things you can do to make sure you're feeling in tip top shape. Doing these things consistently will change the way you spend money because it will change the way that you feel. Most difficult decisions people make around money seem to happen when they are feeling emotional, drained, exhausted or scared.

1. Sleep. Getting enough sleep consistently is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Make sure your space is comfy and dark and that you get at least 7-8 hours every night. If you're doing substantial healing work (physical or emotional) you need 9 and a half hours a night.

2. Eat well. You are what you eat, literally. Your cell walls are made of the fats you eat, your blood carries the nutrients, proteins make up your skin and hair and veggies support your system running clean and getting rid of waste. Crowd out caffeine, sugar, preservatives and trans fats with real, whole, nourishing foods. Eat what truly nourishes you so that you are available, focused and ready for your business and for your life.

3. Exercise. Exercise is the only thing clinically proven to improve depression - the only thing. Moving your body consistently changes your brain chemistry, makes you more effective, able to focus, lifts your mood, and makes you ready to take on the world. Find some way that you love to move your body and go for it! If you don't love your body, begin by becoming aware of that and notice what joy there is. Keep coming back to that in any moments of self-destructive behavior to help you re-focus. You are a beautiful human being.

4. Get outside. The earth, the clean air, the sunlight all have things to offer your body. Sunlight effects brain chemistry positively. 20 minutes a day is the minimum needed to get your sun-related vitamins. Yum!

5. Be kind. Doing a kind act releases serotonin which makes you feel good. In fact, doing the act, receiving the act, and watching the act all create those chemicals. Make kindness part of your day and see how it changes the way you feel.

5. Love. Be with people who feed you and who you feel good about. When you're filled up you're more likely to do something kind and be at your best and that draws the best of the universe to you.

6. Play. Playfulness inspires participation. Looking to bring in new clients? Play. Looking to find a partner? Play. Get out and have a great time and see what happens, how many people you meet and how you feel afterwards (it's also great to helping you induce sleep and cure insomnia!). It's one we often seem to over look, but that attitude is more likely to bring in clients than all the other things you're doing combined. Plus it's fun. And who doesn't want to have fun?

6. Practice skilled relaxation. Whether it's meditation, yoga or Tai Chi, doing something that intentionally brings you into your body and present helps your nervous system do it's job and take better care of you and your brain which makes decision-making more clear. Plus it feels so good.

7. Contribute. Recently in a workshop Matthew Engelhart of Cafe Gratitude fame, said something to the effect of, "When you feel constricted around money, give." Contribution gives life purpose and meaning as does love and family. These are things that help us, causing us to strive for the best and reach beyond ourselves into the extra-ordinary. Also remember that bit about kindness above? I'm a volunteer junkie - helping people makes me feel really good. And right now there are a lot of opportunities to help. So figure out what inspires you and give - time, money, energy and see what happens. Open the door to possibilities and co-creating something amazing with the people you love.

8. Take care of the gift wrap for your soul. You body is the home of your emotions, thoughts, and actions. Don't put off the trip to the dentist, doctor, healer, massage practitioner or body worker. If you know you need to, you do. Feeding yourself in that way makes you available to friends, family and your business. You've only got one body and I know it's cliche, but it will take care of you if you take care of it. All those aches and pains, lack of clarity, headaches and stiffness are telling you something. Tune in and listen.

Have a beautiful amazing day and I look forward to seeing you out in the wide world!

Why Prosperity Work Often Doesn't

I see a lot of "Prosperity Work" going around - people teaching classes, communities doin events, books, television shows, etc. But people consuming it aren't getting rich. Or even making enough money to thrive.

Why is that? What is it that holds us back from having more money?

I can't say I have The Answer. But one of the most overlooked thing about money is: our relationship to it. Most people assume that they want more of it so they are going to do something, primarily an emotional thing - like prospereity work - to try to make it happen. First of all, this has to be accompanied by real world actions or it's virtually useless - unless you're teaching the class.

In using the approach of prosperty work, it assumes that whatever the issues is we need money to fix it. That also assumes things like it can be fixed and that we know the solution. Is that true or accurate or even useful?

Let's look at this from another angle. If you have difficulty with digestion and are suddenly hungry, is the answer more food?

Well, maybe. But we don't know.

The answer is to figure out what nourishment you require, acquire it, prepare it and make time to sit down and consume it. Having more food won't fix the issue, it won't nourish you and it won't prevent hunger or create a solution for addressing future needs that won't also irritate your digestive track. Your missing information, clairty and action.

There's a similar idea for relationships. If you have a difficult relationship with yoru parents, is the way to fix it to have more time with them? Sometimes. Maybe. I don't know.

The point is that just having more of a thing is over-simplistic and doesn't usually meet the needs of the seeker.

The thing that is generally missing from the equation is clarity. Most people have a twisted relationship with money or the things they use money for and so it's assumed that money, and only money, will fix a problem.

That way of thinking creates a level of scarcity and emotional constriction going into the situation that prevents clear thinking and therefore decisive action. You've created desperation and fear before you've even bagan. If you were afraid you'd never eat again, what would your next meal look like? And if you were afraid you'd never see your Mom again, what would that visit look like?

The question to ask yourself is: do you have clarity about your relationship with money? Have you so contricted and twisted up how you feel about money that you're not using your resources appropriately and so it's unavailable? Is there some way that you could be more honoring of money so that when it is available you can use it to it's fullest?

Just like planning meals is both necessary for running an efficient household (especially with kids!), creating a money plan is necessary for effective use of currency and resources. Planning focuses on clarity, intentions and goal setting as well as decisive action and review. This creates a space for money to be, a container to put it in (literally sometimes like accounts and investments) and a direction for it to flow.

If a plan is not available and active, all the asking in the world is not going to draw money to you, there's no space for it and no where for it to go.

I'm not saying "don't aquire more money" or even "stop doing prosperity work." The point is to get clear about what you're looking for and why, so that you make space to have the money that would really serve your needs.

Falling Down: Avoiding the Pitfalls of Implementation

In working with clients I get to see their biggest successes and most difficult challenges of their relationship with money.

The big successes in the coaching process with most of my clients, especially the entrepreneurs? Vision. They know what they want. That's a big part of why they went into business for themselves: they can see the possibilities. And once they identify those possibilities, they start to see them in their lives. That's exciting!

The hardest thing? Implementation. The every day follow up on that big dream.  And that shows up in coaching. Some clients get to the goal setting stage and then say to me, "Wow, thanks for the help, I'll take it from here." And they take a break, give up, go out on their own and try to do it all alone.

The vast majority of the time, when I check back in with them in a month or two or six they are in the same place that they were in before they took a break or before they came to coaching at all. I hear frustration and overwhelm, blame and sometimes anger.

And the truth is, it is the every day, day-to-day, get up and go to work that's the hard part. The following up on that vision, keeping it in your sights and staying focusing on what you really want is taxing and time consuming. It's not all roses.  

So what to do?

The first thing to do is notice what's going on.  If we don't acknowledge that there's an issue or a block, it's nearly impossible to change it.  So notice, right now - are you having a difficult time getting what you really want? 

Then as yourself: Are you ready to commit or re-commit to that vision?

If you are, look for support. Coaching helps (that's why I do what I do - it's what I think is needed). Groups like masterminding groups or issue-specific peer groups or group coaching help. Having a money buddy to check in with consistently helps. The basic idea here is to get support to help you be accountable to your vision.

Here are some things you can do with that vision that will help keep you on track that you can do on you own:

* Frame your vision positively.

* Make sure to include not just your vision, but what you're willing to do to get it.

* Make sure that what you're going to do to get it is something that you'll enjoy and is related to your purpose.

* Write it down and post it in a place you'll see it.

* Read you vision to your self twice at day - once in the morning and once in the evening.

* Imagine yourself in your vision, getting what you want and doing what you say you're going to do for five minutes every day.

As always, if you try something I've written about or have an additional idea, please post a comment or email me and let me know!

Crisis: Danger or Opportunity?

About Black Monday in 1987...
"I was reminded of the written Chinese character that, depending on the context, defines 'crisis' as 'danger' or 'opportunity.' We realized that, although the stock market would do what it would do, when we let go of the conversation of fear and anxiety, and created a different conversation focused on the bounty of our lives - then out fear subsided. When we approached the circumstances without the noise of fear and high anxiety, the 'crisis' lost its drip on us; the experience of 'danger' did, indeed, transform into opportunity." - Lynne Twist, The Soul of Money

I've been thinking about what to write to support people in dealing with what's being touted as a huge economic crisis. I have a deep need both to contribute positively to the lives of people - both in my practice and community - as well as a desire to change the framing of the conversation.

In re-reading "The Soul of Money" by Lynne Twist, I realized that I have the perfect opportunity right here in this critical moment. The banking system has manufactured a crisis. It is effecting people and it is frustrating and scary and sometimes totally overwhelming. There is danger here. Acknowledging that is crucial to being able to do something else.

And what a blessing. I see two big opportunities here:the first is to count our own, non-material assets and blessings and the second is to get to look at the banking and credit systems cracked open. There's more information available right now about banks and credit than there's ever been. The opportunity to really review what the banking system does and how it functions is a gift. We rarely even consider who we bank with unless something is going on - substantial fees or opening an account or applying for a mortgage. Most people seem to stay with their bank for a long time, sometimes lifetime relationships. So getting a a real chance to see how they work and what decisions they make and how those effect us gives us insight into our own choices.

And there's a real opportunity to take a step back and look at who we, as human beings are. Who do you love? What do you teach? How are you enough just as you are? Who loves you? Who's lives do you touch every day? And most importantly for me, how do we come together in times of crisis to turn that danger into opportunity?

One of the things that I love about my work is that I get an opportunity to reach deeply into people's lives and really help them explore something that they often haven't talked openly about with anyone else - money. I am really blessed with clients and friends who have a deep willingness to look at the choices they make and then do what they really want to do in their lives. Getting to watch that process and be included in that is an amazing gift. I'm very grateful to have this work in my life.

I do have 3 spaces in my practice right now. If you know someone that you'd like me to work with or who might be open to this level of support - in business or personally - please let me know.



P.S. I am aware that the "crisis=danger + opportunity" is sometimes framed as a myth. That idea is based on the character ji being translated as "incipient moment" or "crucial point." I think that opportunity comes at a crucial moment and the interpretation of opportunity as solely positive and without any hint that there might be danger does not reflect the connotations of current usage. Plus, dude, I'm quoting someone who has a good idea, it's all about interpretation.

Got money issues?

Lots of people have "issues" with money.

I was just reading Salon.com and came across this.

Since the internet changes things so often, I'll give you a brief synopsis: everyone needs to learn about money, even writers.

The author, Cary Tennis, answers a letter where a woman talks about caring for her partner, but because of his ideas about and patterns with money, she does not think the relationship has a future. They otherwise seem to have a great connection, but money is the pits.

Money is not something we talk about or get taught about - not by parents, teachers, in school or even college. Although we often pick up our parents attitudes and ideals, we don't always pick up their skills - if they had money skills at all.

This is no longer a world of pensions and jobs with lots of retirement planning and ease of buying single family homes (or even in sustaining two-parent families over time). The national economy is crashing and the global economy is in constant flux. It's up to us to create the future that we want.

In the case of this article, not understanding and talking about money has lead this couple to have a potentially serious issue. What to do?

Tennis suggested just what I was thinking - talk to someone and get some support. Talking about money can be inititally painful, but it often leads to openness and connection - enhancing relationships rather than detracting from them.

If you want to create clarity about your relationship with money, set aside some time to talk through your money stories. Talk about what your parents did with money and what that meant for you, how it felt and what the repercussions have been. Talk about what your parents spent money on and how you spend money and what you want your experience of money to be.

And listen. Listen to youself and your emotions as you talk and listen to your partner, friends and loved ones when they talk about money. Open the conversation and see where it takes you! And you want support around that let me know!